I don’t care if Herschel Walker paid for an abortion or if he blew up the planet Alderaan

There’s a report that Herschel Walker, the staunchly anti-abortion Republican operating in Georgia’s Senate race, bought a lady pregnant then paid for her abortion again in 2009.

Like different staunchly anti-abortion Republicans, I’ve one factor to say about that: DON’T CARE!

Dana Loesch, a conservative radio host and former spokesperson for the Nationwide Rifle Affiliation, put it best this week when she said: “I don’t care if Herschel Walker paid to abort endangered child eagles. I need management of the Senate.”

Abortions are unacceptable – apart from this one 

Amen, sister. Abort these eagle infants! Like Loesch, I consider deeply within the sanctity of life and oppose all abortions – apart from this one, which I’ll settle for to forestall it from costing my celebration management of the Senate.

Republican U.S. Senate candidate Herschel Walker speaks at a rally in Athens, Ga., in Could 2022.

The correct to manage our personal fates is at stake: Can suburban girls put it aside?

Republicans ought to have been prepared: Dumping Roe might backfire on abortion opponents

The report got here from The Each day Beast, and all they needed to again it up was: a receipt from the abortion supplier; a canceled verify Walker despatched to the lady 5 days after the process; and the get-well card Walker despatched the verify in. Walker denies the entire thing and claims he doesn’t know the lady, who, as The Each day Beast reported Wednesday, can also be the mom of considered one of his kids.

See also  Arizona governor puts more containers along Mexican border

I’m going to need to facet with Walker on this one, as a result of I need my celebration in energy and consider it’s a sin to make use of the phrase “hypocrisy.”

Management of the Senate is what issues right here, and he performed soccer!

As a matter of reality, I don’t assume Loesch went far sufficient in defending Walker together with her hypothetical eagle abortion clinic.

Like the various Republicans who’ve rushed in to stay up for Walker within the wake of the abortion information, I don’t care if the previous soccer star is an historic, trans-dimensional, shape-shifting entity of pure evil that takes the type of a clown named Pennywise and terrorizes a small city in Maine. I need management of the Senate, and I’m certain Walker regrets any previous need to feed on people.

Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker signs memorabilia for supporters in Columbus, Ga.

Republican Senate candidate Herschel Walker indicators memorabilia for supporters in Columbus, Ga.

Georgia, do not settle: Herschel Walker embodies each unfavorable stereotype Black Individuals have fought towards for many years

The destruction of a planet or two is ok if it results in energy

Heck, I don’t care if Walker oversaw the development of a moon-size house station that blew up the 2-billion-person planet of Alderaan, then later bought in an argument along with his son and chopped his proper hand off. We’ve to safe that Georgia Senate seat so we will cease President Joe Biden’s immoral agenda!

I’m not in the least bothered if Walker, within the yr 1219, let unfastened the Mongol hordes on the Khwarazmian Empire in Persia after the shah, Ala ad-Din Muhammad II, broke a treaty. Management of the Senate is of tantamount significance to the ethical material of our nation.

See also  Russian Diplomats Told to Kiss the West Goodbye

Ruling Mordor is not so dangerous when you consider it

The chance Walker might have been described within the epic Anglo-Saxon poem “Beowulf” because the monster Grendel, “accursed of God, the destroyer and devourer of our human sort,” doesn’t trouble me a whip if it results in a Republican turning into Senate majority chief. And the extra claims that he slaughtered the inhabits of the mead corridor of Heorot, constructed by King Hrothgar? A minor element if the ability to chop company taxes is in play.

Scholar mortgage reduction: Biden’s fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants method creates big mess

Youngsters’s psychological well being: Alarm has been ringing for many years. Too few have listened.

No, I see no logical or ethical inconsistency between my firmly held spiritual beliefs and the shortage of concern I might really feel if I realized Walker had remained a noncorporeal evil for hundreds of years earlier than rising once more within the land of Mordor and constructing the darkish fortress Barad-dûr not removed from Mount Doom. And if he gathered large armies of orcs and trolls then tricked the elven-smith Celebrimbor into forging the Rings of Energy? Properly that’s a small worth to pay to defeat Democratic Sen. Raphael Warnock, who’s a pastor and has most likely by no means paid to abort endangered child eagles.

Principally, nothing issues so long as we win

The invention that Walker is, in truth, the Darkish Lord Voldemort, “He Who Should Not Be Named,” and is plotting, with the assistance of Dying Eaters, to rid the world of Muggles, would by no means impression my help for a candidate whose {qualifications} embrace being considerably well-known.

See also  Photos show the Mississippi River is so low that it's grounding barges, disrupting the supply chain, and revealing a 19th-century shipwreck
The dark wizard Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) lords over the wizarding world in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I."

The darkish wizard Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) lords over the wizarding world in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Half I.”

I need management of the Senate. Getting Herschel Walker elected is vital to that finish. And if which means being OK discovering out he as soon as snapped his fingers whereas sporting the Infinity Gauntlet and immediately worn out half of all life within the universe, effectively … so be it. I’m not about to let the morality I exploit to disguise my craven thirst for energy get in the best way of my craven thirst for energy.

Extra humor and satire from Rex Huppke:

Lizzo performs James Madison’s crystal flute whereas racists play canine whistles

Sen. Lindsey Graham mansplains abortion ban: ‘I picked 15 weeks.’ Bought it, women?

What Trump and his wannabes did in a single weekend ought to scare us all.

Observe USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Fb: fb.com/RexIsAJerk

Opinion alerts: Get columns out of your favourite columnists + skilled evaluation on prime points, delivered straight to your gadget by way of the USA TODAY app. Do not have the app? Obtain it without spending a dime out of your app retailer.

You possibly can learn numerous opinions from our Board of Contributors and different writers on the Opinion entrance web page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our each day Opinion e-newsletter. To reply to a column, submit a remark to letters@usatoday.com.

This text initially appeared on USA TODAY: Herschel Walker abortion story might not matter as GOP pursues Senate