‘I am recusing myself from committees. Also, I am Batman.’
A letter (most likely) from embattled Republican Rep. George Santos of New York:
Expensive America, the nation I helped discovered,
My identify is Republican Home Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
KIDDING! It’s me, Republican Rep. George Santos of New York. You may keep in mind me from my starring function within the hit NBC tv present “Frasier” (I performed the canine) or from considered one of my playful aliases, which embrace Anthony Devolder, Anthony Zabrovsky, Milton Berle and Fozzie Bear.
Since being elected President of the Universe by my superb constituents in (NOTE TO SELF: keep in mind to search for which district I declare I’m representing), there was some unlucky drama surrounding “issues I’ve stated” and “claims I’ve made about my background.”
Blah, blah, blah. The individuals of (INSERT DISTRICT NAME HERE – DON’T FORGET!) spoke after they elected me, and I plan on serving them in Congress simply as I served my nation as a member of SEAL Workforce 6 throughout the Clone Wars.
That stated, the very last thing I wish to be is a distraction, in order of immediately I’m recusing myself from the committee assignments my fellow Republicans gave me a few weeks in the past after they apparently didn’t care concerning the so-called myriad lies I’ve been accused of telling.
In a dialog with my shut private good friend and fellow Led Zeppelin bandmate Kevin McCarthy, we agreed it’s within the GOP’s greatest curiosity that I don’t sit on the Home Small Enterprise and Science, Area and Know-how committees till ongoing investigations into my funds and record-setting collegiate volleyball profession are concluded.
As Speaker McCarthy stated throughout our assembly, this transfer will enable me to dedicate extra time to my central mission in Congress, which is voting for no matter he tells me to vote for.
It would additionally enable me to concentrate on my major function as The Batman. Lots of the committee conferences would have stored me tied up throughout peak crime-fighting hours, and I owe it to the individuals of Gotham Metropolis to be there for them.
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I understand many Democrats are calling for me to resign just because I’ll or might not have embellished particulars about: the place I went to highschool; the place I went to varsity; what sport I performed; the place I labored; the place my mom was on 9/11; my identify; my religion; my funds; and numerous issues no one has caught onto but. (THINK ABOUT DELETING THAT LAST PART – SOUNDS SASSY/FUN, BUT COULD BE A PROBLEM.)
I do know a new Newsday/Siena College poll found that 78% of voters in (INSERT DISTRICT NAME HERE AGAIN) need me to resign, together with 71% of Republican voters. However as a proud graduate of Siena School who obtained a grasp’s diploma in polling, I can let you know these numbers are pretend, and I’d recognized as a result of I invented the phrase “pretend” in a phrase laboratory on the College of Oxford in 1991.
So don’t fear, George Devol … sorry, George Santos is just not going wherever, and there may be nothing to those scurrilous accusations leveled towards me, presumably by individuals jealous of the Pulitzer Prize for fiction I received in 2007 beneath my pen identify Cormac McCarthy.
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As certain as I used to be in a position to remodel result in gold within the alchemy class I taught at Harvard College, I’ll return to my committees as soon as I’ve helped my occasion full the wholesale evisceration of the phrase “hypocrisy.”
I admire your time. Might God bless America and all of you, in addition to my beloved husband Paul Rudd and our darling daughter Zendaya.
– George Santos-ish
Observe USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Fb fb.com/RexIsAJerk, or contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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This text initially appeared on USA TODAY: Drag queen? Batman? Santos resigns from Home committees amid lies